Grief After Miscarriage
Published on August 26, 2024
When a loved one dies, most people will understand and respect that you’re experiencing loss and grief. Unfortunately, there are instances when your feelings of bereavement are not validated. Perhaps the most common example of this is a miscarriage. Somehow, some way, there can be a perception that if the baby wasn’t carried to term, it’s not as painful. But think about it.
A mother-to-be is pregnant — excited about and planning for an entirely new life. The future feels exhilarating and full of mystery. But then, without warning, the dream is over. To call it shocking is an understatement. To not call it grief is cruel.
What Exactly is a Miscarriage?
If a fetus is not developing at a typical rate during the first 20 weeks of gestation, the uterus will expel it. This is called a miscarriage. Common symptoms and warning signs include heavy bleeding along with abdominal and back pain. A woman may experience such signs for about a week before physical healing begins. For some women, the uterus does not expel the fetus naturally and requires medical intervention.
Emotional healing, of course, is a different story. Emotions may range from shame and self-blame to resentment and intense sorrow. No one has to tell the woman she’s grieving a serious loss. Her baby is gone, but so is an entire future of possibilities. One minute, they are trusting their body to handle the pregnancy. Then, suddenly, that certainty vanishes.
The impact can be extreme. At least one-third of women who experience a miscarriage will meet the criteria for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Dealing With Grief After Miscarriage
There is no one-size-fits-all formula. However, there is an ideal first step. Identify and accept what you feel. You don’t need anyone’s permission to grieve; you can do so for as long as needed. No one — literally no one — can fully understand what you’re feeling except you. Honor these feelings by honoring your needs. Some examples:
New and Personal Rituals
The grief of a miscarriage can feel lonely and very, very personal. So, why not channel some of those emotions into creating specific ways to honor the loss? Do something meaningful to you (and your partner) and mark each anniversary with something that feels healing.
Visualize Joy
When grief strikes, it can temporarily seem you will never smile or laugh again. Set aside time to acknowledge that you will recover. You will heal and thrive. Such progress is not a sign that the miscarriage was not a “real” loss. Rather, it’s a way to way to embrace the journey you’re on.
Keep Trying If You Want
After a miscarriage, a woman has at least an 85 percent chance of having a full-term, healthy pregnancy. You don’t have to try again, but you also don’t have to live in fear.
Commit to Self-Care
Grief of any kind is exhausting. On top of that, after a miscarriage, you may get far less support than you need. This is the ideal time to ramp up self-care, self-love, and self-compassion. Some elements to remember:
Engage in physical activity (including exercise) daily
Keep steady, consistent sleep patterns
Embrace stress management
Healthy eating and drinking choices
Staying in contact with your loved ones
Don’t Go It Alone
The painful loss of your child is not something to try handling on your own. If you have a partner, you benefit greatly through mutual support. But untended grief can become complicated and chronic. To avoid such outcomes, it makes plenty of sense to connect with an experienced therapist.
Your sessions can elevate you from a place of despair, self-blame, and confusion onto the road toward recovery. If a miscarriage has impacted your life, I’d love to talk with you about it soon.