How to Talk to Your Kids So They Will Actually Listen

For many parents, the title of this post will be synonymous with “How to perform a miracle.” Kids are notoriously tricky when it comes to communication. At a young age, this is more understandable. They’re still developing the cognitive skills needed to practice effective listening. But as they age, a wide range of factors emerge. These can sabotage healthy communication because your child is unable to hear you without the noise of emotional baggage. 

But, make no mistake, this is not a lost cause. With diligent commitment and patience, parents everywhere can move forward on the path that leads to a deeper, more meaningful connection with their children. 

So, Why Isn’t My Kid Listening to Me?

The first step to developing healthy communication with your children is empathy. This involves doing the work to discern where and why the disconnect exists. Thus, for starters, you must make an effort to allocate some uninterrupted one-on-one time to doing something your child likes to do.

Other ideas and factors: 

Your Kid Would Rather Do What They Like to Do

When anyone — child or adult — is ensconced in a pleasurable activity, they don’t want to be interrupted. Adults more typically adhere to social norms. Kids, however, are less likely to stop doing something fun to do what Mom and Dad are asking. Hence, they tune out the noise and stay focused. This can lead to young children not even hearing you!

On a related note, when a young person is in the middle of something fun, they will lose track of time. If you tell them that dinner will be ready in five minutes, they may not realize that 20 minutes have passed before they show up at the table. 

How You Say It Matters

Again, this is not unique to children. No one likes to be judged, yelled at, nagged, or overwhelmed with instructions. When you feel your kid isn’t listening, take a few minutes to ponder how you might respond in a similar situation.

You’re Not Leading By Example

When your child talks to you about their needs, how well do you listen? When your child talks to you about anything, how well do you listen? Everyone responds better when they feel heard and validated. From this foundation, you’re likely to experience more reciprocation. Be a role model of healthy, respectful communication. 

Older Children Require Independence 

Once your kid is an adolescent, they start seeking autonomy. They don’t want to be treated like children, but of course, they still need adult input. This sets you up to seek a delicate, ever-evolving balance but it is so worth the effort. 

How to Talk to Your Kids So They Will Actually Listen

Daily Gratitude

Talk to your kids about their day — with a special emphasis on what they felt were the best parts of that day. This can make them feel comfortable in back-and-forth conversations with you and others.

Talk About Feelings

Validate what they’re feeling without allowing bad days to permit bad behavior. Instead, help them name their emotions and seek ways to manage them.

Encourage Problem-Solving

Solving their problems will stunt their growth and build resentment about their lack of agency. When your kids come to you about an issue, show them that you’re available to listen while giving them space to learn on their own.

Be Specific With Praise

Calling your kid “good” can sound like what you’d say to your pet dog. Use that opportunity instead to describe what you mean and why you’re offering praise. 

Parenting is an evolving challenge but with focused effort — and the help of an experienced therapist — you can find powerful ways to enhance your child’s life.