How to Show up for Yourself in Your Relationship
A strange and counterproductive pattern can materialize when you’re in a relationship for a long time. You get so comfortable and close with your partner that you casually take the relationship for granted. You might diligently work on creative projects, a job, or even at the gym. Meanwhile, you’re not showing up for yourself in the most important relationship you have!
Of course, it’s great when you can relax with your partner. But there’s also a need to do the hard work to keep things evolving, fresh, mindful, and mutually beneficial. Healthy relationships require the full participation of both partners.
Some Red Flags to Watch For
Relationships are complicated balancing acts — without a net. If one of you isn’t showing up for yourself, it will be revealed through palpable imbalances like:
Your partner’s needs are your highest priority
You have a hard time saying no to them
In times of conflict or disagreement, you back down and give in
Little by little, you’ve adopted the same opinions as your partner
Your partner is always in charge, and they're starting to like it
As obviously bad as these signs are, they aren’t always the result of malicious, conscious actions. If you’re not showing up for yourself, it can allow for a wide range of unhealthy dynamics to take hold. This is not to say that your partner doesn’t bear part of the responsibility. Rather, it’s an illustration of how subtly such tendencies can emerge.
Counteraction: Staying Present
The red flags listed above cannot creep into your life when you and your partner are mindful. Digital life distracts us and takes us out of the present moment. Careful effort to increase mindfulness shifts this trend through efforts like:
Taking Tech Breaks
To show up for yourself and your relationship, you must shift priorities. Scrolling Instagram is not important, so put away your devices and participate in your life — right here and right now.
Avoiding Assumptions
Every couple feels like they have some form of telepathy going on. This is cute but not helpful. What your relationship needs is understanding. To make sure you know what each other is saying and thinking, focus, ask questions, and pay attention.
Staying Curious
After being together for a while, you may feel you can predict your partner’s behaviors, reactions, and words. To some degree, some familiarity will exist. But to show up means to remain curious. Ideally, you’re both evolving, and thus, there’s always room to learn something new.
More Ways to Show Up for Yourself in Your Relationship
Set Boundaries: If you find yourself surrendering your strengths “for the good of the relationship,” it’s time to start setting and enforcing boundaries. Recognize where your partner ends and you begin so you can define your own needs and wants.
Be Vulnerable: Get comfortable sharing openly and expecting the same from your partner.
Re-Define Intimacy: Your sex life changes — many times — throughout your connection. You have the right to reframe what you like and want and when you need it.
Grow Together: Perhaps the best part of being with a long-term partner is reveling in all the new places you go together. This mutual growth happens when you’re equal, independent, and open-minded. Complacency is a roadblock. Clear the way and grow together.
All of This Is Easier with the Help of an Unbiased Professional
Relationships don’t come with an instruction book. Therefore, when the inevitable glitches arise, it’s wise to seek out the support you need and deserve. An experienced relationship counselor can help you identify patterns that are currently invisible. From there, you can work as a team to discern fresh approaches to facilitate the changes you need. I invite you to get in touch and talk about the possibilities.