5 Ways to Engage in Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship
If you meet a couple that never fights, don’t bother asking them for their secret. They absolutely have disagreements, so suppressing emotions in the name of avoiding conflict is nothing to emulate. Conversely, it’s no better to release those emotions in a disrespectful, dysfunctional manner. So then, what’s a couple to do when the inevitable disagreements emerge?
Breaking news: You can have a differing opinion from your partner without hiding it or devolving into a screaming match. If there’s a secret formula for relationships, this might be it — and it’s built on a foundation of healthy communication. Let’s dig a little deeper to learn more.
5 Ways to Engage in Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship
Differences and conflicts feel less threatening when you and your partner are committed to the healthy communication mentioned above. This journey does not have a finish line. Honing your communication skills is an ongoing process from which you can reap many rewards. Here are a few thoughts to consider:
1. Respect
No difference of opinion is big enough to justify disrespect. However, when emotions begin to emerge, it can be easy to forget this simple rule. Thus, it can be hugely helpful to talk before conflict arises and set some basic communication expectations, e.g.:
Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Never use insults.
Passive-aggressive behaviors (sarcasm, silent treatment, etc.) are unacceptable, and that also includes raising one’s voice or assuming an aggressive physical posture.
Also, not everything is worthy of a battle. You and your partner can agree to disagree on some issues. Compromise is a valuable communication skill.
2. Be Direct
If something is on your mind, address it directly. Staying vague out of fear sets you up to be fighting about trivial problems as a way of masking what’s lurking below. Speaking openly may feel daunting at times, but it’s far more productive than using minor issues as a way to cover deeper concerns. Constantly fighting about unfolded laundry could be a clue that something else is going on.
3. Set Loving Goals
This isn’t a video game. You’re not looking to crush an opponent. Relationships are about resolution, not competition. The only “win” you and your partner should seek is to become more compatible by deepening your connection. Love is not a contest.
4. Accountability
Sometimes, one of you is more responsible than the other when a problem arises. This is an opportunity for that person to show remorse, hold themselves accountable, and issue an authentic apology. The other partner must not use such a scenario as a weapon. Inevitably, the tables will be turned, and they will deserve empathy and compassion, too.
5. Stay Curious
A conflict with your partner contains a gift. If you stay curious, you can learn a lot more about them. You might be certain you’re right, but your partner also thinks they are right. By staying calm and listening closely, you can discern their thought process. This can:
Potentially change your mind
Give you a new window into how they see, hear, and think
Better prepare you for the inevitable future conflicts
How to Learn More About Healthy Conflicts in Your Relationship
A therapist might be the ideal guide for challenges related to conflict. In the heat of the moment, even the most loving couple can slide into negative patterns. In the presence of an experienced relationship therapist, these patterns can be identified and addressed. A therapy room can become the safe space you need to work through the disconnection and develop fresh new approaches.
Conflict is normal and inevitable. I’d love to help you find healthy ways to manage this reality and move forward with new skills and new hope.